March 6, 2021

Damaged things can still function

Damaged things can still function

I am emotionally drained and am checking out of social media for at least the weekend. 


Oh, just in case no one has ever actually figured it out... I am the dramatic one. I am the one who will usually turn situations dramatic...if it be my overly loud personality that one may appreciate because they admire my no fear.


With that overly “extra” large personality that I share with this world in a fun way and try to inspire hope and kindness.... I sadly suffer the balance of this coin and sadly so do many people closest to me. I feel feelings of sadness, fear, anger and hate so strongly that I hurt so much and occasionally lash out to the ones I care most about.   


I work so hard on a daily basis to balance this coin and keep it tilted onto that positive side more. But once I spiral it feels that it must run it’s course. I have been trying so many different types of coping skills in this situation and I feel that I burn them out due to over use. 


I have recently finally decided to add medication as a new approach to control my balancing act. And my Dr and I have been adjusting and changing to see what works best. But now I have these imbalances as I try to balance and I just keep feeling like I am failing when I fall. I am so hard on myself and many people don't see this side of me because I work hard to keep this version of me I have appropriately referred to as The Evil Queen. 


Being the drama queen that I am I felt that possibly approaching my toxic behaviors as if they were the villain of my story would find me trying hard to be the hero and fight that darkness in the form of an enemy. But occasionally I would get knocked down and the evil queen would have control again. This feels though we are just in a battle entire life and it was time to admit I needed some more help. Enter therapy..... Enter DBT.... Enter more structured schedule in my life and goals..... Enter an anti anxiety to help me learn to control my fear and worry. And as I get used to them.... Now a month ago adding an anti depressant and trying to get that balanced. And on top of all that still worrying that all this will not work because your anti depressant is still messing around with my moods to find the right frequency or something sciency like that. 


Then to the worry of still not knowing where I belong in this world. I have so many amazing friends in my life that I would never trade the world for.... But I still just feel like I am trying to force myself into this part of the world puzzle. And I know that is in some ways my own insecurities it feels more vivid than it might sound to others. 


and all of this while trying to also try to adult in this world when I have never actually done it and I am 37. I make irresponsible choices every day while trying to justify them as self care. So if course I battle with my finances and have no realistic plan for my future.... I am battling an eating disorder that many people probably didn't realize they realized I was suffering from, which is causing many concerns for my physical health and I have yet to take that seriously and am very aware of these unhealthy choices and somehow gaslight myself into making said poor choices.  


I know this has come off as the longest explanation of why I need the social media break but I felt inspired to share. Because i am damaged .....I am not broken. damaged things can still function to the best of their abilities and I will always accept that I will never be perfect. I will also accept that I cannot live in fear of my mental health struggles. Taking control of your mental and physical health is seriously the most important things in life and if I can do that..... I can do anything.   


Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk